I Am Magick: Mentors & Mental Health
Taurus: Self-Care Season, Being Present Is A Gift However Mundane It May Be
Taurus season opened up a lot of feelings as well as healings. Honestly, that has been the mood since the quarantine.
At the beginning of the season, I enrolled in a two-day workshop (via Zoom) with Karishma on ways of living abundantly through our missions. I’ve been waiting patiently, patience - a natural Taurean trait I do not possess, for the workshop since it was initially scheduled in March (at Moon & Soul) and was postponed due to the MCO. The workshop includes a guided meditation and beautiful facilitation by Karishma, as well as a holistic worksheet for us to answer by asking our divine guides and ourselves. I have no earthly words to describe the whole experience of that weekend as I never thought I was capable of accessing such wisdom and knowledge from these spaces with clarity. I cried when I shared one part of the answers on the “first hurt,” the moment where I identified the event(s) during childhood where I experienced “hurt” on a soul-level in this lifetime. My first hurt was when my brother (with autism) was bullied at school and I had to defend him because he did not even know he was being bullied due to his ways of understanding social boundaries. This was a recurring event for a year until he started attending a special student curriculum at another school. I remembered reporting it to the teachers but they dismissed me because my brother didn’t say anything about it, as if he willingly partook in the process of being bullied. It made me sooo(ul) angry at the world and I lost parts of my trust towards established institutions in promoting justice. In another light, it was also my first experience of otherness, setting me up for a lifetime bystander of feeling (or made to feel) inferior and inadequate by association with my autistic brother whenever we are met with judgmental stares in public settings due to his peculiar behaviors. Unnecessarily at times, we had to “apologize” to strangers for his presence. My first hurt was a double-edged sword - on one hand it has propelled me towards fighting for social justice causes and promoting equality and inclusivity in my personal values and everyday actions. It made me curious and compassionate for systematically marginalized communities. On the other hand, the first hurt has created a wounded savior-complex within my inner cosmos and the neediness to feel accepted by others. I developed the tendencies of putting myself at risk for the sake of other people’s sense of safety and comfort. Concurrently, the need to feel accepted by another person was present in this cisnormative-heteronormative-imperialist-white supremacist-capitalist-patriarchal world, because my definition of the self and service was heavily weighted in my surroundings. Over the years, these mental patterns are definitely something I am conscious of and I have been working with to release myself from carrying any further to my detriment or at least making them less triggering each moment through mindfulness practices.
The workshop also touched upon my soul’s solo, twin flame, and collective missions in which I drew the cards below. The Source from Qun Tarot is a reminder that I am divinely connected to the One and I am able to channel the wisdom from the unseen to material earth with my soulful missions. The Pelican resonates with the savior complex tendencies; I should remind myself of my own emotional sovereignty and being aware of self-sacrificial behaviors to make me feel belonged. The Queen of Wands is the archetypal figure of my higher-self: a feminine embodiment of fiery courage, unapologetic passion, and joyous magick. My soul's sole mission embodiment is The Wanderer (The Fool), a genderfluid figure in the misty and magical woods, taking their leap-of-faith towards a rainbow bridge with openness and excitement. They keep making a sense of home, both in the spark of exploration and the embrace of uncertainty. My twin flame mission is The Star, providing audacious hope for navigating in times of darkness by collaborating with another being and the Universe. My collective mission is The Great Bear (Judgement), awakening humanity through reflective and inner work with other beings as the bearers of collective revolution and radical rebirth. I am reminded that Judgment is the card of Pluto and the future Pluto’s transit in Aquarius (2024-2044) will arguably bring out the collective awakening surrounding taboo and shadow themes on earth. I am humbly accepting and embracing my missions in this lifetime. After the workshop, I embarked on my 90-Day Decree (designed by Karishma) to devote myself to my soul missions more wholeheartedly!
The full moon in Scorpio was heavy, I felt like I lost some parts of my being in the process of releasing. I reflected on the Divine name Ar-Rahim, The All-Merciful - The Moon of Love, with the lesson on creating, expanding and solidifying our receptive cups instead of wanting more and more - because “more” is never enough. Our magical minds are a powerful force of ideation, but they could also be the source of disconnect to where our bodies are at the moment. Some of us live too much in the past, some - the future, and some - the present, thus we are invited to learn from each other and from ourselves during this pandemic. I was struggling with being present due to the rejection from some windows of opportunities for my planned future, a contractionary phase was deeply felt. As much as it is important to honor the mental anxiety by allowing it within me, it is also equally important to have a compassionate conversation of where such hurt was stemming from and how my body and heart could at least meet my mind halfway, and be in alignment with each other. Just like our hearts and our bodies, our minds are designed and nurtured to protect us from harm. However, the mind’s ways of protection are learned behaviors, skills perfected throughout the years and years of our upbringing. It is our role to unlearn and relearn the means of our mind with more love and more grace. For me, the process of being a wiser “adult” is relearning how my mind works and reshaping its framing to be harmonious with the heart space. Ultimately, I am the soulful teacher and the divine mentor of my own mind.
In the Tarot, The Hierophant is one of the cards associated with the archetypal spiritual teacher and traditional wisdom, and it is ruled by Taurus. When I learned the meaning of the card for the first time last year, it was one of those cards which did not sit too well with me because it carries so much questionable hxstorical power and insensitivity towards people who have experienced trauma from these archetypes: traditions, religions, teachers, and beliefs. I remembered feeling agitated when I had to explain The Hierophant for a querent because the card felt too rigid for my liking - as if I have to accept the traditional meaning as it is. Lindsay Mack, one of my Tarot mentors, shared that “if the Tarot doesn’t cover everybody, it isn’t for anybody.” and I had the privilege of enrolling in her Tarot for The Wild Soul course this month. In the Soul Tarot curriculum, The Hierophant is reframed into deep trusting of your inner-knowing and deep questioning of the outer-knowing which we have made as our own: our imposed inner-knowing. This is honestly the beauty of Soul Tarot because all interpretations focus on the soul/querent/person first instead of any external entities. I preferred the Soul Tarot’s definition over the “traditional” interpretation of the card, and I rebuilt my understanding of and relationship with The Hierophant. It is critical to remember that the meanings and depictions of Tarot cards are imbued with “human filters” over generations which are worthy of questioning and evolving. Coincidentally in Malaysia, we celebrated Teacher’s Day during the Taurus season where I chose to pull The Hierophant as my daily Ramadan Reflection card. I wrote: The best teachers are the ones who empower us to be our own teachers, these teachers are able to support, bear witness, and hold space for our self-knowing and self-teaching journeys. I am eternally grateful to have found these types of teachers within my circle of friends, my communities, my workplaces, my spiritual guides, my dreamscapes, etc. Though I have no Taurus planetary placement in my chart, the zodiac rules my 6th House of Health & Illness, Work, and Routine with its planetary ruler Venus is in Aries. The concept of the ruling planet in different houses reminds the natives that if you work on aspects of a house and planets in that house, it will help another house as well, especially for empty houses. In my case, working well with my Venus in Aries in the 5th House of Creativity, Pleasure & Children will work in favor of my health and mundane routines (6th House-related topics). Thus, I am radically accepting the presence of my inner-knowing and creative expression. Thank you magical mentors, the seen and the unseen, for constantly reminding me that being present is the greatest gift I could extend towards myself and my mental health, no matter how trivial the present may be.
With Radical Rebirth, Still, I Rise
Shahir
20200523 @ 1650
In the previous post, I wrote about:
How 2019 was the most traumatic and healing year of my life.
Discovering and learning astrology and a deeper analysis of my natal Mercury in Pisces in the 4th House placement.
Finding greater self-love and setting beautiful boundaries in my spiritual practices.
Appreciating my new-found communities and kinships.
A summary of Aries season developments, including coming out to my parents and siblings.