Still I Rise: A Radical Rebirth
Aries: Queer-antine Season, Looking Past Backward & Charging Present Forward
The first part of the title is borrowed from and inspired by Maya Angelou’s poem, which I have been playing on repeat via Youtube on Saturday morning. Her delivery of it was breathtaking as I found myself pausing the video during some plays to take a moment of deep thought and of contagious laughter, amazed by her beautiful expression. The verses below are my favorites from the “Queen of Aries” - a title given based on a Zodiac Queens series by Jeff from Cosmic Cousins.
Does my sassiness upset you? Why are you beset with gloom? 'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells Pumping in my living room.
…
Did you want to see me broken? Bowed head and lowered eyes? Shoulders falling down like teardrops, Weakened by my soulful cries?
…
You may shoot me with your words, You may cut me with your eyes, You may kill me with your hatefulness, But still, like air, I’ll rise.
Like Maya Angelou, I am also an Aries Sun with a Pisces Mercury. People with both of these planetary placements are about 2.8% of the population (assuming an equal statistical distribution of zodiac signs and planets). Mercury can never be more than one sign away from the Sun (i.e. Aries Sun Gemini-Aquarius Mercury natives do not exist). Aries Sun natives are known to have a fiery passion for life, your personal cheerleader-friends which are, at times, too aggressive and too short-lived for their own good. Pisces Mercury natives are often empathetic and creative. However, they need to be highly aware of boundaries because Mercury in this placement is a vague communicator. In astrology, Pisces Mercury is in “Fall” meaning Mercury finds it more arduous to teach their lessons here, an antithesis to its planetary purpose. Imagine Mercury is your “Communication & Logic” teacher but you are in a classroom full of Piscean energy - students who are unapologetically emotional and have the capacity to deeply empathize with every single opinion in the class. Wild isn’t it? I wonder how much logical analysis could be made from this classroom! Thus, it would take a longer time for the teacher-student collaboration here to express and embody the lessons of Mercury through Piscean ways of communication! I am not implying this placement as “bad,” in fact, Kelly Surtees argue that a lot of creative people have Mercury in Pisces because of their ability to channel inspiration from unseen realms, making connections from the ether!
On the judgment of planetary placements, Chani Nicholas also wrote in her book that “only the person looking at the reflection [birth chart] judges it; the mirror simply reveals what is there.” Identify where your Mercury is in your birth chart, their zodiac sign and the house they are in. Based on your self-study, let me know what do you think about that placement in the comments below! How do you naturally process information and communicate them?
Learning astrology has been one of my favorite soulful past-time activities over the last year after Louise (another Aries Sun) introduced me to the concept of the Sun, Moon, and Rising. Since then, (I GOT OBSESSED!) I gradually picked up houses, planets, signs, chart ruler, essential dignities via books, online resources (including Instagram memes and Twitter discussions) and The Astrology Podcast, which I listened to, almost every other day, at my nine-to-more-than-five office job. Astrology fascinated me because of the idea that at the exact time when and the place where we were born, there is a snapshot moment of all the planetary placement called the birth/natal chart. That chart holds the key to unlock and the compass to find our greatest potential during this lifetime! Whether it is a predestiny is a debate I shall not delve into right now. Growing up, I was always intrigued by the field of psychology through reading self-help books and the reason why I fully embraced astrology is this:
If a self-selected MBTI survey could reveal the essence of who I am almost similar to that of the reading of my birth chart based on my birth date, time and place. Wouldn’t that make astrology a more powerful (or comparable) technique given the lack of self-selection bias?
I view astrology as one of the many tools towards a greater understanding of the self and the world around it. Like a preachy Sagittarius, my rising sign, I highly encourage people to study their birth chart closely beyond the sun sign, at least start listening to or reading more about horoscopes using the rising sign since that’s actually how most astrologers gather their thematic information, through the usage of houses and transiting planets! For instance, when astrologers talk about “love and partnerships” for Aries during Libra season, it is actually because, for Aries Rising sign, Libra is in the 7th House of Partnerships and the Sun (an important luminary) is transiting through that house during Libra season!
The latter part of my title is a self-declaration. I promised myself that this solar return year would be a “Radical Rebirth” year due to a few reasons, all of which are either influenced by astrological transit, meaningful life events, Tarot practices, and my understanding of Sufism through Islam. Astrologically, the past two birthday years have been ruled by Saturn because I was experiencing 2nd House (Capricorn) and 3rd House (Aquarius) Profection Years based on the Hellenistic Time-Lord Technique. The simple idea of “profection year” here is that every birthday the activated house (life themes) and planet-in-charge of your year change ~ thus the lessons change as well! For instance, my chart indicates the activation of Saturn when I turned 25 (Ruler of Capricorn) and 26 (Ruler of Aquarius). Saturn, they are the traditional teacher of “Time, Control and Boundaries.” Saturnian lessons forced me to confront my inner and outer mortality and pushed me to learn that life is short and has its limitations. Thus, I better start dedicating my time more purposefully towards my long-term goals. Saturn-ruled years were filled with themes of “restriction” for me on a personal and interpersonal level, and a deeper (very uncomfortable!) inquiry of what “boundaries” are for my inner and outer cosmology. As a Jupiter-ruled rising, fiery freedom and boundless expansion has been my natural way of living and connecting, yet Saturn strictly questions: What is the long-term focus/purpose of these expansions I crave?
Last solar return year was the most traumatic and most healing year in my life - there were moments where my will to live was questioned and moments where it was deeply invigorated. At home, I felt my self-expression was restricted and my loved ones uttered words that I never thought would penetrate deep as they did. Words are powerful and capable of creating deep wounds, especially for a Gemini Moon (Gemini is ruled by Mercury) and words of affirmations are my top “love language.” Those were my Saturnian lessons, to draw greater boundaries around verbal and written communications with my immediate surroundings, with my siblings (3rd House themes). Someone on AstroTwitter wrote that the astrological house with Pisces placement is also where we have the highest tendency to allow ourselves to overextend without any healthy returns, and for me, that is my 4th House of Home & Family. Remember that Pisces Mercury? My Pisces Mercury is situated in the 4th. For more than 2 months last year, I was having nightmares due to repressed emotions and visions until I found Tarot and learned more about Sufism. Both tools have provided me with a better framing of reclaiming my personal agency towards self-healing. Not all was gloom and doom - I am privileged enough to have trusting friends and loving communities, who support my journey wholeheartedly. After all, my Jupiter rejoices in the 11th House of Hopes, Communities, and Gifts. A special love shoutout to Rumah Cempaka (Rin, Ali, Mus) and Louise for making and holding space for me during those trying days after the #WomensMarchMY in 2019. These newfound communities have made me reflect a lot about the theory and application of “Queer Kinships,” especially in parts of the world where our identities are being discriminated against - something I wish to explore deeper in the future!
On tarot communities, I had my first tarot reading with Syar, the person who also inspired me to write this monthly post as I follow her tarot-related newsletter religiously. Liy, another friend, was the person who recommended me a book on Sufism which I have kept near and dear to this date. Both of them held a Tarot Beginner workshop together, initiating my journey into the practice. The workshop truly was a Divine timing as it intercepted my intentions to learn more about the Tarot! I thought life was smooth again later in the year as I was studying for GRE and preparing for graduate school application, yet the Divine made their plan to invite my Che (grandma) closer to them. The grief from her physical passing comes in waves, and her spirit is always with me throughout my journey. She is now my (favorite) ancestral guide I could call upon, something I knew earlier on from my first psychic-reading with Sha. The Divine self-love and self-affirming messages I received from my spiritual practices and experiences even made their way into my optional essays for my master's application. I actually utilized my tarot cards as guidance to frame every single essay! Mostly, they were just “confirmation” cards of what I had in mind but some cards shifted my narratives since I was unsure about telling the admissions committee about something which could be deemed “non-academic” for them, but I am an Aries and being bold and unapologetic is my birthright. An example where I trusted and used my cards is below, and bless it be… I was admitted to the University of Chicago (Harris) and Columbia University (SIPA)! Alhamdulillah, thanks Universe!
Describe briefly the biggest challenge you have ever faced. How did you tackle it and what did you learn? (Max 300 Words)
Challenge: Eight of Cups (keywords: loneliness, disapproval, doubts flooding the thoughts) Tackle: The Star (keywords: new hopes, building blocks, understanding the naked soul, shine) Learn: Four of Swords (keywords: contemplation, self-care, power of solitude and retreat)
An Excerpt
“To heal and rebuild my foundation, I explored new life philosophies. I delved into studying the divine self-love language of Sufism in Islam, performing esoteric spiritual practices through tarot cards and astrology, and practicing meditation to reclaim my personal agency. When I absolved loved ones’ expectations, I made the space for my own realities. Leaning on the continued love and support of my friends and communities, I revived my passion for social justice. Continuously, the power of solitude reminded me not to appease the damaging warrior instinct, because fighting and burning bridges are mostly empty victories.”
I thought 2019 was “it,” yet 2020 greeted me with another battle of self-worth, this time at my workplace, as I felt deeply betrayed by my performance review. My struggle was addressed in Syar’s first Tarot Letter series, and those cards and messages were truly a gift for my raging heart. As an Aries, I have never thought I could hold on to anger and resentment towards something (and someone) for such a long period of time, usually, they come and they go. I picked up a deep-breathing ritual every night to check-in with my heart, my mind, my body, and my spirit. I discussed this uncomfortable feeling (anger) during a Soul Tribe Meditation class with Nadia at Moon & Soul. Slowly but surely the hard feelings dissipated as I honored and befriended their presence. That event was truly a test of discerning between my ego and my higher-self ~ the union of it all, of interrogating and “not losing sight of what means a lot to me” beyond my current professional role.
From my intuitive tarot reading session last December with Dhiyanah on my spiritual journey, she informed me “[to pay] close attention to how [I] hold ambition. An example is, [I] could get super excited about something that feels great. And because [I] might not have felt great in a while, [I] get fixated on this feeling of excitement and [I] start chasing it. By doing this, [I] might invest in resources that actually take [me] away from [my] healing rather than deeper into it.” I never fully understood what this meant until recently. During the Mercury retrograde, my meditation and prayers, and journaling routine went out of touch, there was a greater cosmic and collective shift as with most retrogrades. On a personal level, I started enjoying and investing in spiritual connection with another person rather than focusing on my own practices. The intensity of the connection felt karmic, like a past-life connection. Regardless, my life energy was drained and my intuition was doubted during the whole saga. I was truly chasing and embracing the “spiritual high” felt by spending time with his energies, consequently neglecting my own light and my own shadow works. Upon realization of my (and his) actions, I was confronted with the feeling of self-betrayal and it was really hard to fathom. I thank my guides and soul tribes for allowing me to discern what healthy boundaries are - mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, psychically, energetically. It has been a month since I cut (transmute) chords with him and I have nothing but love, compassion, and acceptance towards the phase. Though our interactions were ephemeral, the lessons from the friendship were eternal, I am thankful. I told Dhiyanah about it and she offered me a wonderful point-of-view of cutting chords: to focus on the patterns I am breaking away from, rather than entirely about the other person. For me, it was about breaking away from spiritually searching outwards when I have to look more inwards. As a social animal, I am hungry for connections, I try to learn from and through other people but the greatest learning is always when I am applying the work for myself with love. Another pattern I am hoping to make peace with is the expectations of “good” things to come out immediately after “bad” things. The connection came into my life when I was struggling with my passion at work thus I felt the friendship was an invitation for me to have fun with and I let my fire run wild because I “deserved” this escape. In the process of reflection, I was reminded that our sacred flames are gifts from the Universe and we need to use them more wisely and purposefully. Admittedly, my ego has the tendency to expect beautiful things to come out instantly because of the “I’ve been through so much”-mentality, when that is not necessarily the truth, and such framing is unsustainable for my future endeavors. Yes Universe, I am still an optimist but the medicine here is in navigating the firepower of my optimism. The recurring lesson in patience and perseverance: surrendering to Divine timing and listening to my heart space, always!
Wow, that was a long backstory… so what actually happened this Aries season? Given the quarantine-anxiety, I was focusing a lot on my healing, my love, my truth, and my journey. I have yet to holistically process some of them but things unraveled themselves through multiple channels:
I came out (via a letter) to my parents and my siblings as a gay/bisexual person since queer pansexual is too complicated for their vocabulary! My lessons on healthy boundaries helped me not to accept some of their words and responses to heart. I made it crystal clear in my letter on the importance of boundaries for us to have a healthier and more loving future relationship. Regardless, I am giving them all the (limited) time in the world to accept me as who I am and I hope to embody unconditional love through being myself around them! Dismantling ingrained queerphobia is a Saturnian lesson and it requires more time, more effort, and more compassion in the alchemy.
I accepted my admission to Columbia University (School of International and Public Affairs) to pursue my master's degree with a partial fellowship! This is still a work-in-progress as I am seeking and manifesting moolah ~ also the uncertainty around COVID-19 pandemic! Regardless, I made it.
I applied and received an offer to enroll in the Tarot for The Wild Soul course this May with Lindsay Mack! I cried when I received the email ~ it truly was a Jupiterian blessing, my guardian planet this year! I am planning to pay-it-forward in the future because my guides really love it when I share.
I created my application website for my tarot reading bookings! I’ve had few clients and querents since then, mostly acquaintances.
I committed myself to a monthly reflection post here, a reflection after every zodiac season!
I made my first IG Live tarot reading with Rin, initiated the “Chart Snatch” series with Nickey (Cosmic Witch), and Sha proposed to have a collective blog for us this Taurus season. I shall be exploring my (spiritual) poetry writing there!
I commissioned an art piece (below) based on my birth chart to an artist Adam and he went wild and beautiful with it! I was really touched by the outcome. The artwork is titled “astro quartz” and he was partly inspired by my coming out story during Aries season and the rainbow pride flag! Go check his art out!
I connected with and learned more about my head guardian angel Jibrail/Gabriel, via an online live class with Karishma, and worked more closely with my spiritual guides. I am being invited to write more creatively, as a claircognizant, and I am honoring the calling here + I am venturing into writing poetry. I am looking forward to deepening my knowledge and connection with my (our) Divine plans in this lifetime.
Thank You, Aries Season 2020. Initiating The Emperor Year with Boundaries.
“I am loved, I am safe, I am protected.”
I repeated the phrase above like zikr when my heart was full of anxiety and fear before sending the letters out personally to each family member and prior to reading their individual responses. It was one of the most courageous actions in my life! My Divine guides are with me, my ancestors are proud of my growth and my truth as I am healing ancestral trauma by embracing the perceived “otherness” ~
I am here, I am queer, I am embracing my revolutionary love!
With Radical Rebirth, Still, I Rise
Shahir
20200419 @ 1600