the trembling feeling of unrequited love
part one of reflection + delineation of my birth chart [mercury in pisces - that girl ruling my partnership haus] and a poem
I have been thinking about *LOVE* a lot more this year - love as a concept, as a feeling, as a way of being, as a primordial force, as an alchemical passage. Truthfully, I am unsure if I will ever stop thinking about love (hello, love devotee?) because of the nature of my natal chart - “thinking” is a mercurial motive, and my natal Mercury is within the bounds of Venus - the archetypal love planet in astrology. My Mercury in Pisces loves the process of thinking of and yearning for love. After all, Pisces is the place where Venus is exalted, where love is a boundless ocean, full of poetic mysteries.
On another layer, my Mercury is in the face of Jupiter (Pisces II), where Austin Coppock in 36 Faces described: “many grasp meaning in a more direct, psychic manner, but have a difficult time adequately expressing what they see in a cogent, rational manner.” Austin terms the Pisces II decan/face as The Net, and I understood the imagery intimately. The net always reminded me of a fisherperson, I’ve always felt I had ancestors who were once fisherfolks as a way of sustaining their lives because my dad (4th House in Pisces signification) once told me he loved fishing growing up. Fomalhaut is also my heliacal rising, an important and magical fixed star in Pisces!
The idiomatic expression of “cast a wide net” perfectly captures the Jupiterian qualities of this Pisces II face, that is: to approach many things, through various ways, the more-ness of it all to acquire the ones worth having, or the ones caught by luck. The net result of casting a wide net (haha) is that you would most probably end up with something rather than nothing, that is the Jovian promise in this decan, to cast a wide net is to always hope that you will find “that thing.”
On the other side, casting a wide net may not be the best strategy because it signals a lack of focus and refinement (Virgo opposition to Pisces) - because the net is equally capable of capturing or receiving something useless or fake or trash for the person living in this decan, or sign of Pisces.
The tarot correspondence of this decan is the Nine of Cups, where Wheel of Fortune combines with The Moon. My experience of Nine of Cups has always been about the alignment of the spiritual and the physical, sometimes in a client reading the card does signify “wish manifestation” or that something good or fortunate will happen to the querent. However, there were moments where Nine of Cups would expose misalignment in desire or perhaps an invitation towards further questioning of something one is wishing for. The desire, is it coming from a spiritual space? From my practice, I have never experienced Nine of Cups as a “pride” or “arrogance” as commonly interpreted by some tarot readers. However, I could observe how the net-casting person might not be discerning of the limitation of their so-called luck, thus slipping through the net and falling into hubris-wave. Generally, the card is a blessing, but not all the time.
Why am I describing my Mercury in Pisces so much here? Well, one of the many techniques to interpret romantic one-on-one love prospects in astrology is to analyze both the condition of the 7th house, the condition of the 5th house, and the condition of Venus in the natal chart. Thus, in this series - I am focusing more on Mercury ~ Mercury is the planetary lord of my Gemini 7th House; thus, they are overseeing the matters of all partnerships in my life. In the trigon lord system, Mercury is also the primary ruler for all air sign houses as a night chart babe, followed by Saturn as the secondary ruler, and Jupiter as the tertiary ruler. I understand the triplicity lord as a set of planets governing both the timing of all the elemental houses as well as breaking down the general themes of a particular house.
According to Al-Andarzargar, the triplicity lords’ topics of the 7th House are as follows:
The first lord of the triplicity of the place of couples indicates [intimate partners], the second controversies, and the third entering into covenants.
Thus, Pisces Mercury is my 1st lord, followed by Aquarius Saturn as the 2nd, and Libra Jupiter as the third or participating lord.
By essential dignity, Mercury is fallen here in my natal chart. Romantic one-on-one love has always been a *struggle* - the place where I allow myself to participate in Piscean dreaminess, imagination, and projection… oftentimes without real expression and tangible action. I have had (or still have!) patterns where I expect my partner(s) to be the savior of my life, or I am their savior. The Pisces archetype is innately unconditional; however, unconditionality could breed a sense of unrequited love and martyrdom dynamic. Communication is a mercurial domain, and most partnerships I’ve had involve a communication failure - attracting rather indirect partners, or gaslight-y, or simply liars. I am intimately familiar with the range of Mercury as The Trickster archetype. Not all is doom and gloom since I’ve also had the experience of partners being cerebral, creative and compassionate, no matter how short-lived our connections were. For years, whenever someone asks me, “what’s my type [of partner]?” ~ I usually don’t have a concrete answer because I am for a wide range of folks, another mutable signature! However, lately, I have answered that my types are partners who could inspire each other to have it all - dreaming of a connection where the Nine of Cups manifest: the spiritual and the physical, as the Lord of Happiness.
As I navigate my search for Love further, I am open to the more beautiful expression of that Mercury in Pisces in the 4th House, rather than overly-associating with the sadness of having a fallen placement ruling my intimate partnership. Last night, during the Mercury cazimi in Libra, I had an intense dream involving running away with a community, and concurrently a love was blooming between another person and me, and I was making out with them, and the connection felt so spiritual, and I love that for us. Haha, I woke up this morning - laughing, I am flattered. Perhaps that was the way, the spiritual realm telling me… not to give up, my love. Reminding myself that “to cast a wide net is to always hope that you will find that thing” someday, InsyaAllah.
To honor my Mercury in Pisces, I am sharing a poem I wrote weeks ago to describe the “trembling” feeling of unrequited love throughout my life… enjoy ~ lovers!
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the trembling feeling of unrequited love
do you know that trembling feeling? like an earthquake, heart-collapsing instead of life-beaming, darkness enveloping from within, devouring like it’s hungry, and they took a bite of my wholesome heart, chewing it like monsters disguised as children, aaah the innocence, just a little taste, not for the whole course experience, spits my tender heart out - rubbish. do you know that trembling feeling? when your body is used to consume mixed signals as the staple, though a call towards clarity for a cut - your heart still - in denial, because we do not know how to give ourselves permission, to move safely from lack towards abundance, so we tremble to stay away from trouble, but still, deeply troubling. do you know that trembling feeling? like you have failed yourself through the process of loving yourself, and the achievements have been more lessons, but you wonder whether you have also failed to learn, because similar patterns emerge as if your life is cursed. do you know that trembling feeling? because i no longer have a desire to tremble, my heart deserves to dance in reciprocity, vibrating to the glorious beats of celebration, where there is no shame, only love - requited unconditionally.
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we love you, keep loving.
Please share and spread the word on all of my divination services! My financial resources have been a source of anxiety during this Aquarius Saturn return phase (ruling my 2nd House of Income and 3rd House of Skills) and Capricorn Pluto in my 2nd House of Self-Worthiness. I trust Jupiter + Venus to continue their magick! This is my humble request for support for those who feel called to show up this way, please honor your authenticity and capacity too. Thank you, dear ones, for being here with me, I forever cherish the jovian love-faith in our fellowship.
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