Time Is A Goddess: A Saturn Return Reflection
discernment and devotion, a spiritual craft of saturn
Dear Lovers,
How were the past few weeks for you? I am asking because Aquarius Saturn and Capricorn Pluto have reached the 29th anaretic degree of their respective signs recently, such an intense degree to be in, a climax point, an edging, a release. You might even be reading this after the Saturn in Pisces holy ingress on March 7.
If life has felt *intense* for you in the past few months, I pray for your temperance - the balancing from any extremes and deep relief for your tormented souls. For a prayer from a friend or a stranger is one of the most powerful prayers that ever existed. I pray for your abundance in all forms, I pray for a life with less worry, I pray for a peaceful heart of yours to carry.
I wanted to write a long post about my 3rd House Aquarius Saturn return story of moving across the world for graduate school and establishing myself as a diviner. However, Saturn reminded me that the story has always been writing itself through me ~ also because my substack is a Saturn return story testimonial: it started when Saturn first dipped into Aquarius in March 2020, and my first post was on 19 April 2020 - during the quarantine + lockdown phase of the COVID-19 pandemic.
I was still in Malaysia back then in 2020, unsure whether the future of grad school at Columbia University is happening given the panini and funding limitations. It was also a birthday year when I finally came out to my family due to something that happened the year prior, it was a year when I started my professional tarot client practices and went deeper into learning astrology, it was a year when I learned so much more about interpersonal boundaries with others - including my loved ones. It would be a surprise to some of you, but my first “friendship breakup” happened at the age of 27 - since I never thought friendship betrayal or breakup was something possible before that [so naive haha!].
In some ways, that’s a gift [curse!] of being a sometimes-confused faith-loving Jupiter-incarnate - I give benefits of the doubt freely once I consider a person my friend - oooh and I have a lot of friends I consider dear to my journey, before Saturn rationed them to know the real-est gems. Yet, the malefic wandering stars Mars and Saturn reminded me of their gifts too - to cut poisonous relational tangles and to fortify our energetic boundaries. I really think you should revisit my first few posts on this substack to get to know me better, perhaps in a different light, here is the earliest post:
Astrologers often associate Saturn with boundaries and limitations, and in some ways, I think that’s only helpful if people are able to tap into the deeper lesson from these things: DISCERNMENT. For me, the word “boundaries” is boring and overused for Saturn, as if we all have a similar definition of what boundaries are ~ well, we are not meant to have similar definitions after all! “Discernment” feels more exciting, intentional and heart-opening.
Saturn is the planet of life-long discernment, the greatest judge of all planets, hence the exaltation in Libra - the sign of Justice. Saturn transit takes time because cultivating discernment takes time, and providing judgment takes time, yet time is precious and in certain ways - we really do not have enough time in this world. With experience, we are able to discern better, we are able to time/judge better.
Saturn could be harsh because judgment feels more like something that was imposed on us, rather than something we could define for ourselves. Yet, the spiritual craft of Saturn is not to think solely about ourselves - we have other planets for those powers. The spiritual craft of Saturn is to bear witness to our inner-outer sufferings, and have discernment over them. Wherever Saturn is placed or ruling in your life - you or THAT place will experience some form of suffering, almost to the extreme ends (since Saturn is the furthermost visible traditional planet) and you will be a witness of those experiences - a witness of all. If you were born at night, with the Sun below the horizon, Saturnian harshness is usually more pronounced for us than Marsian ones.
From these “harsh” experiences, they are elevated as wisdom - something Saturn is also responsible for with other planets like the Sun, Mercury, and Jupiter. For me, to remediate and collaborate with Saturn is to go beyond witnessing suffering and towards feeling into them (Moon), illuminating them (Sun), communicating them (Mercury), and unconditional giving (Jupiter).
My night chart is gifted [cursed!] with a domiciled Aquarius Saturn in the 3rd House of Goddess, of sibling, of communication, of learning, of locality. My earliest form of witnessing/experiencing suffering was through having an elder brother who has severe autism. There was a series of traumatic events that happened to him and with him when I was growing up - including my experience of watching him being bullied at school, before my parents decided to send him to a special education school. The societal views of disabilities were way different back then - something we take for granted sometimes.
In some ways, I was deeply aware of societal injustices, the treatment of “outcasts” in society, and the failure of systems as early as 6 years old - though perhaps I did not understand the language yet. I don’t really remember being angry at the world before that! The heaviness of Saturn was brought into my heart, oh what a heavy burden for our young hearts to shoulder. I knew from that age, I “have” to be smart because I do not want my parents to feel like a failure when they themselves are navigating the familial shame and uncertainty of my brother’s future. I remembered a problematic teacher (ustazah) purposely calling my brother “dumb!” in front of the whole class multiple times, and everyone would laugh. Wherever we have Saturn, we feel both delayed and fast-tracked in life, we grew up too fast because of the demands yet are also abandoned behind in some of our needs - a sacrificial ask of Saturn.
In my undergraduate degree, I wrote an article for publication about this matter ~ Eventually, it became an essay contribution as part of a book ~ read below. It was a platform for me to intellectualize all the wounds, pain, and rage toward something more… I have a loose grand air trine of Moon-Jupiter-Saturn.
My experience of shame, humiliation, and humility surrounding having a brother with autism, also brought a deep sense of responsibility towards marginalized others, education, and the people around me who are *different*.
Education-wise, my demonic out-of-sect Saturn somehow behaves like a functional malefic throughout my life. It grants me the brilliance of mind [also as a trauma response!] since I navigated through institutional education settings rather smoothly compared to my peers: I made my parents proud by going to the same public residential boarding school my dad went to - something my elder brother could not have done because of his circumstances, I went to UC Berkeley with a full-ride scholarship from the Central Bank of Malaysia and got an Economics degree there and served my working time with my sponsor institution, and recently - I graduated from my Master of Public Administration with human rights policy program from Columbia University (with partial scholarship). I very much believe, having a domiciled Saturn in the Aquarius 3rd House and exalted Sun ruling the Leo 9th House of Higher Learning - brought these blessings into my life, while I was also desiring them. Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah for this opportunity ~ I am humbled for all these rizq, and I am sure my parents + family are always grateful as their rizq too. When I first came to NYC for a summer internship in 2015, I somehow had a strong feeling that I would be back for something more.
It was important for me to discuss the Saturnian shame and suffering felt because those similar energetics of shame and silencing were also present in my relationship with queerness and divinity. My journey of embracing my personhood as a queer muslim brown mystic only started in 2019, during my 3rd House Aquarius profection year. 3rd House is also associated with rites of passage, since it is the House of Goddess. Prior to that year, I refused to discuss my spiritual praxis or belief because in some ways I was still searching for it, I was searching for ways to weave divinity (9th House) with my sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression (5th House). Even right now, I am still exploring and excavating those topics in my life as a spiritual practice.
Yet throughout my Saturn return, Saturn created the solidification of those spheres for me - the God & Goddess axis, with less shame, with more wisdom, more discernment, and more devotion. I call myself a Love Devotee, since I love being devoted to something since I was young, and for me Allah is Love, Divine is Love. It is that simple, yet embodying it is part of the thrill of failing and learning.
love as origin, love as intermediacy, love as destination
Devotion is also important for any mystics and misfits who aspire to thread through the road less taken in life. Devotion seems like Venus and Jupiter gifts, true, yet part of the devotion process is to sacrifice - and to dedicate and sacrifice our TIME to do something is devotion. Like writing this piece, that’s devotion too! People who are devoted to something, are also discerning of the time they had paid attention to those things, to those relationships - as everything is a relationship. I wish you are paying attention to the things you love and are devoted to! Love you for that ~
A moment of celebration for this substack [Saturnian?] growth! Someone recently pledged this substack and nudged me to change it into an optional paid subscription, and a friend jumped in to subscribe as well! I welcome you to be a paid subscriber for my mostly free writing! Directly support my spiritual path as a writer, and you will officially be a Patron or Matron or Queer-tron of Love Devotee ~ I am wishing for 8 paid subscribers before I start an *exclusive* post for paid subscribers.
[Continued ~ I was on a dinner break and now I am drinking an oolong tea with boba while writing this, my throat feels so soft and sweet]
On the final Saturn day of the Aquarius Saturn phase, I was visited by my dearest Angel of Death / Izrail ~ the word that was whispered was “hubris.” That morning, I was contemplating how the timing of death is also something unknown to us, and it is hubris of me to think that I will live until my second Saturn return when some folks barely passed their first ones. Al-Fatihah to all souls who could not make it with us today - including my dearest grandma Che (2019) and my uncle Azman (2020).
Saturn reminds me, of how sacred our time is on earth, time is a sacred friend, and I love Time so much, and I wanna create more sacred moments with most of my time here with others. Through the 42 Laws of Maat, I asked Saturn for anchoring guidance toward my next return at the age of 58-59, Inshaallah.
My Lord of Daimon (Lot Spirit) 🕋 Saturn in Aquarius Responded:
(1) I consume only my fair share 😌 be discerning of hubris…
(2) I invoke laughter 🤪 wherever my soul goes, we laugh 🖤
I know a lot of us have lost loved ones in the past 4-5 years of domiciled Saturn being in Capricorn and Aquarius. If you haven’t lost anyone, there were multiple parts of you that have died, buried, composted.
Allow the grieving process to continue naturally, and make time for believing the stories of life - your ancestors never lived to tell the tale… you are the future ancestors now ~ your discernment and devotion matter.
Life is a prayer, and part of our lives are answered prayers of our ancestors… how dare we thought they did not dream of something bigger than themselves for us… how dare we only think our current dreams are not the forgotten dreams of our elders, the dreams they never dared to speak of because they never had the power to realize…
For me, our Saturn in Pisces siren calling is ~
DREAM DISCERNMENT & DEEP-SEA DEVOTION
Your Love Devotee,
Shahir
taking it in...
prayer, discernment, hubris, laughter 🙏
Powerful words. I love the words devotion and discernment for Saturn. I see them as the other side of the coin for responsibility and boundaries. They feel somehow softer, more feminine for this masculine planet. I'll be taking them on board as we're moving into the mutable waters of Pisces. Discernment between what we're ready to devote our time and energy for. Thank you!