Shadow Self: Learning Off, Leaning On
Gemini: Shadow Work Season, Showing Up Undefended For My Hot Mess
Is it fact or fiction? Both.
My shadow self is a hot mess: they are needy yet unreliable, they are impulsive yet fearful, they are lustful yet overcritical, and they engage in self-pity behaviors. In short, they are the f*cking “worst” beings of all, gross! The Ego screams “You Can’t Sit With Us, Shadow!” in Gretchen Wieners’ tone and temperament, perhaps subconsciously I appreciate the “Mean Girls” archetype because I find the validity of playing such a role for myself - to focus on the celebrated and loved Ego. The Shadow wanted to fight back but they decided to flight instead. After all, Shadow is used to be treated in such a manner throughout their years of living in this lifetime: perhaps it is societal conditioning, perhaps it is psychological framing, perhaps it is simply life training? Each time Shadow tries to express their presence, the Ego or the Brain would interject, push Shadow aside, and invalidate Shadow’s points entirely. Shadow is just “a phase.” The process repeats itself in infinite loops as Shadow gets less screen time, Shadow takes up less space, Shadow finds themselves scouring for places in the marginal parts of my inner cosmos. One commendable thing about Shadow I appreciate is that they are relentless in their pursuit. They are always trying to take up space someway, creeping up on me somehow, and equipping themselves with stealth magick most of the time. I am not surprised given that every time they are there - they are unwelcomed, and I am not even going to try to describe how fugly they are by societal standards of beauty and “love and light” spirituality. Shadow makes their home in the peripheral parts of my being, I think that is why some people perceived them as “dark” because their homes do not get any light or electricity. They have less privilege and they do not get full access to and of me. In the unlikely event that they do obtain such access, they will be judged heavily for their actions. Hence, the spiral continues as they are shoved into the closet with anger, and put into the deepest prison cell with glory! Disgustingly wild, Shadow they are. Oh wait, who is the wild one again - the One shoving or the Shadow? The reflection of Shadow reminded me of the character Red played by Lupita Nyong’o in Us:
Once upon a time, there was a girl and the girl had a shadow. The two were connected, tethered together. And the girl ate, her food was given to her warm and tasty. But when the shadow was hungry, he had to eat rabbit raw and bloody. On Christmas, the girl received wonderful toys; soft and cushy. But the shadow's toys were so sharp and cold they sliced through her fingers when she tried to play with them. The girl met a handsome prince and fell in love. But the shadow at that same time had Abraham, it didn't matter if she loved him or not. He was tethered to the girl's prince after all. Then the girl had her first child, a beautiful baby girl. But the shadow, she gave birth to a little monster. Umbrae was born laughing. The girl had a second child, a boy this time. They had to cut her open and take him from her belly. The shadow had to do it all herself. She named him Pluto, he was born to love fire. So you see, the shadow hated the girl so much for so long until one day the shadow realized she was being tested by God…
Shadow work surfaced in multiple avenues during the season. I had an intense altercation with my mom over my sexuality and spirituality for multiple days, and this fight was caused by my Queer Tarot Reading offering on Instagram. I had to confront the Shadow of my unworthiness, of my pettiness, of my fear and illusion brought about by the situation. It was an uncomfortable and messy process. I was angry at my elder sister for telling my mother about my post, the rage felt was unreal. I removed followers, changed my handle, and made my account private. I started to reflect on how do I show up for people I love unconditionally, yet maintain the boundaries of my personhood? How do I stop myself from thinking and questioning the love that was previously given to me by these people, was it all conditional love? Conditional upon their expectation of what’s “good” for my being - an expression of love layered with intrinsic judgment and imposed insecurities. How do I prevent myself from equating my worthiness with their rejection of parts of who I am? Love is an evolutionary process, and it needs all parties involved to be willing to give and take, and more importantly to grow. Am I being unfair towards them for wanting them to appreciate, or at least respect, my sexuality? Though I was furious and heartbroken, I was equally compassionate and discerning of who they are as a person of a different generation, a person with a different relationship with the Divine and their understanding of Islam, a person with different values altogether. If I were to be “controlling” of their framings of “living a good life,” wouldn’t that just be a repetition of their actions with the roles reversed. Concurrently, I had to say something if it didn’t sit well in my heart space and have caused harm, I had to honor my personal and energetic boundaries. A lot of Shadow Work involves questioning the soul purpose of our messy reactions in such loving ways of self-validation and self-affirmation without the need to exert excessive power or immense control over them. I wrote a prayer to the Universe during that time to assist the discomfort of my heart:
Most discussions on Shadow Work would point out that one way to acknowledge and learn more about our Shadow self is to be discerning of the people who we easily pass judgment on, or those who frustrate us to the core - triggering the frequency of parts of our Shadow vibrations. For me, this is because the Ego and/or the Brain was trained throughout our lives to control this “ugly” parts of who we are, thus when confronted with similar energies in another being, who perhaps are exhibiting the Shadow aspects, we naturally adopt and apply the same skill set of how we treat our Shadow.
The Shadow Work theme was also in line with Gemini Season, the archetypal twins of the zodiac tethered together in the sky, with the themes of integration at the forefront of my priorities. Gemini loves communication and my Moon, as well as South Node, is placed there. I dreamt of meeting and holding space for my Shadow, witnessing them with much love and tenderness though there was a tinge of resistance and a sense of fear in the background. I was willing to show up and meet them in my dreamscape as I prayed for it on multiple nights before sleeping. The Strength card from the Tarot came to my mind when I reflected my interaction with my Shadow in the dream, and Lindsay’s explanation of the card’s medicine aptly puts it:
When we're vulnerable, it opens up what's possible with other people. It allows other people to potentially lay down their defenses, or at least speak about their defenses, rather than acting out of them. And conversely, if we find ourselves in a situation where we're feeling super defended and closed, and somebody happens to show up a little bit more open, a little bit more courageous, it can unlock something in us, too.
I have always thought of myself as brave, most of my friends would vouch for me on that aspect, but just because I am courageous in some aspects of life, my fears coexist as well and perhaps more so in other aspects of life which are not celebrated or seen by the external world. Courage, I believe, comes from being comfortable with the presence of fear, befriending fear in unconventional ways - your soul’s personal way. Some people would judge you as being foolish and absurd for showing up “undefended” to your perceived enemy, but the lesson of a lifelong Shadow Work starts with breaking down the framing of Shadow being an enemy. The most hated part of yourself needs the most tending. Shadow is here to be loved, to be seen, to be witnessed, to be heard, to be nourished. No matter how uncomfortable the process may be, the integration with my Shadow is a submission to the wholeness of my soul on earth. With much grounding, I surrender to the beautiful chaos, to the hot mess of it all, to my Shadow. I am here for us to walk on this soul journey, together!
With Radical Rebirth, Still, I Rise
Shahir
20200624 @ 1750
In the previous post, I wrote about:
My soul’s mission and their first experience of soul hurt in this lifetime.
Relearning The Hierophant through the Soul Tarot approach, and rewilding my relationship with the major arcana card.
Being at peace with the present of where I was at in Taurus Season.